I've been struggling a lot lately with whether or not I made the right choice to go back to school. I mean, it should seem obvious, right? Everybody finishes high school; it's just something one does. I'm glad I made the effort to go back, because it meant a lot just knowing that I, at that point, wanted to graduate. It was important to me at the time, and I think I'd be more stuck if I hadn't made that choice. But right now everything is just deeply bogging me down. For most people getting high school over with is really not a big deal, and I wish with all my heart that it could be the same for me, but all of my anxiety is, unfortunately, really hard to push past, as much as I wish it wasn't. The school work isn't difficult for me at all, but with all of the anxiety and depression that I still associate with school, with the fear of failure and complete paralysis I face, it becomes something else entirely.

I don't think I'm a weak person for struggling with this. I don't ever want to think of myself that way. But when I get this mired in all of these issues, I have to re-evaluate my priorities. I don't like to think of myself as a quitter for questioning how important all of this so-called "necessary" stuff really is. Is graduating and going to university really what I want and need out of my life? It's a scary thing to do, to completely discard all the vestiges of a so-called "normal life", and sometimes it's impossible, but (and I realize how ~*rebellious teenager*~ of me this sounds) I have to think very seriously about why exactly I'm pursuing the course of action that I am, and whether or not I still feel like it's what I "have to do" even if, at the end of it all, it's ultimately irrelevant to my dreams.

I realize for people who don't have problems with any of that sort of stuff, I must sound like the laziest, most overdramatic person in the entire world, which... you're quite welcome to think, lmfao. That is a-OK by me. But I will say: it is not about me not wanting to or being incapable of working hard, or being lazy, or weak, or whatever. ~*~*hataz gon hate*~*~*

I'm an unfailing optimist, which everyone who reads my LJ should know by now. Even when I'm having a hard time, I believe in myself. I know, with every fibre of my being, that I need to follow my dreams to the fullest degree, wherever that may take me. I know that I'll be happy no matter the circumstances as long as I'm pursuing the things I love. This most definitely sounds like a lot of overly hopeful bullshit, but I know what I want and need out of my life, and if it leads me down different paths, then so be it. I want to be a writer, I want to travel, I want to create things and see everything I can possibly see.

I've got an amazing family and an amazing group of friends. I know I can do it, even if not via the normal routes. ♥

And I should clarify, I'm not making any decisions just yet. I probably need to get my meds adjusted and we'll see how things go after that, but I just think I need to accept that it could end up that school isn't what's right for me, even just at this period in time.

( and now, just in case you weren't already throwing up all over the place, here are some Disney lyrics. )

GUYYYYS YOU GUYS HOLY SHIT I JUST FINISHED TSUBASA AND HAVE CAUGHT UP ON XXXHOLIC. I haven't read mangoes in ages, and now all of a sudden I'm reading this, nostalgia-ing over Shaman King and Whistle!, catching up on One Piece... feels good man.

BUT ANYWAY. ( lakglalbdfblfb Tsubasa in my mouth. )

( lbflbkaibjfbj xxxHolic in my mouth. )

In less nerdy news, Halloween weekend was the best weekend, as I have already mentioned. On Saturday we went to a club and then crashed at Gabe's and played with his roommate's precious babby kittenface. Then I slept basically all Sunday, it was pretty great.

In conclusion, I need a new layout. Bye bbs. ♥

Ohh my god having the best extended Halloween weekend of my entire life! Sarah and I started marathoning Saw last night and baked pumpkin seeds, and today we went and got a costume for me (a Victorian ghost girl with a creepy doll--pretty much a RORITA RACE MONSTER--also I got stuck in a dress at Value Village, that was pretty cool) and ate much lots good food. Also, we were walking by the super old independent theatre on her street and noticed they were playing the Rocky Horror Picture Show, so we went to that in costume and ohhh my godddd it was the best ever. If you ever have the opportunity to go to an audience participation RHPS, holy shit do it.

Tomorrow is Pumpken Carvann, more Saw hopefully, clubbing and a house party at Herr Gabriel's, and then Sunday is Saw VI provided I still have money which I will not at all!

Okay brb bedtime.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

...fml, LJ just ate half this entry. :<

I really have not done anything at all this week, it's pretty bad! I'm just going to write this week off as a bad job and work extra hard next week. :U But now I am just excite for koolsnowball's burfday party tomorrow, where I will see my bros Harrison and Gabe whom I have not seen in many moons.

Also I have no idea what I'm doing for Halloween! I don't even have a costume yet. :< I know Gabe's having a paty at his apaato and I'm going clubbing with Sarah at some point and also carving pumpkins and making cupcakes with her... idk. GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS FOR COSTUMES FLIST-KUN.

Now have a meme stolen from Rauren.

STEP ONE:
Spell your name with songs. (I am spelling my full name since Meg is much too short.)

Music Sounds Better With You - Stardust
All Time Lows - Hellogoodbye
Rusted Guns of Milan - Art Brut
Grace Kelly - Mika
Australia - The Shins
Rocks and Daggers - Noah and the Whale
Enormous Pop - The Wendy Darlings
The Surf Song - The Hot Toddies

( and so on. )

Guuuuyyyyssss you guuuuyyyyys I want... to get Kingdom Hearts 3582728975836598728972/2 Divided By Four Squared. I've always wanted to get it OBVIII but now I want it even more after reading about it/taking a gander at the official strategy guide. This is the first time I've waited for a KH sequel ;A; III AM A KHTARD 4 LYFE, BRB POURING A 40 ON THE CURB FOR IT

No matter how much I convince myself that Nomura has pretty much been utterly addled by syphilis at this point, I will never stop loving KH and all its ~*wacky sequels*~. U MY GURL LARXENE, U MY GURL



So yeah. Kingdom Hearts. Also, have a meme! ( Ten fictional characters I would bang. There are a lot of images behind this cut and they are all very large. )

Sooo basically I'm just posting because this is the best/worst icon ever. LUV U lecheporfavor U MY BOO. Basically Andrew W.K. and Hitoshura are BFFLS4E and troll Juggalos/barf on people's shoes 100% of the time.

fml I really want to write DRSK2 but the only thing I can ever think of is "Narumi and Raidou rubbed dicks in the hot springs". I want to write some legit Narumi/Raidou or Akane/Dahn though *A* OR NAGI/GEIRIN holy shit not that I judge people based on the pairings they like but DUDE NAGI/RAIDOU ARE YOU KIDDING SHE CANONICALLY WANTS TO BONE HER SILVER FOX OF A MENTOR

But what I want to do even more is party til I puke! I am def going to bisit Gabe this weekend!

pspspsps ariseishirou's translation of the DSRK novel is ACE

The figured walked up casually on long legs concealed by pants as black as his cape, and stamped the softly groaning jawbone underfoot with black leather shoes. "Kuzunoha." He answered with the sole of shoes.

The demon who'd asked was already beyond responding; quavering voice silenced for good. Yet, perhaps out of a sense of honesty, perhaps out of an overblown adherence to form, the boy in black continued. "Raidou Kuzunoha."

I'M JIZZING OK BYE

Aaaa I finally got another PS2! Playing DSRK2 again feels so good, bro. (speaking of which, OH MY FUCKING GOD BINBOU-GAMI I SERIOUSLY JUST SCREAM UNCONTROLLABLY WHEN HE COMES ON SCREEN HOW DOES HE EVEN EXIST AHAHFHAJFHAJ)

I went to Wonderland with Sarah and Felipe and some bros n' bras on Saturday and went on ~Behemoth~ for the first time. And the Drop Zone! Good times, good times. ♥ (also I got a Sokka plushie THE AVATAR PLUSHIES WERE ON SALE OKAY GUYS GOD)

Aaand school is starting tomorrow! I am not excite! I'll be getting it over with quickly, however, so there is that!

For now I am going to listen me some Bollywood music. What's the Indian version of a weeaboo? Because that is totally me. (speaking of which, once I'm doing listening to Kalluri Vaanil over and over again I am going to take a bath and read The Death of Vishnu, which I highly recommend to all ya'll)

SUP LIVEJOURNAL. I really have not been updating much at all, which is partly due to the fact that my computer was broken for a little while. :U How have you been, flist-kun? Participating in wholesome summer activities such as swimming naked in freshwater streams and drying off with some good-natured wrestling in the grass? Good. GOOD.

ANYWAY I pretty much am just posting because Mana Khemia 2 came out a few days ago, and LET ME TELL YOU. The only other person who purchased it at our store aside from Sarah was a 40-year-old basement dweller, which says more than I could ever hope to on the subject! Well, that and when Felipe was watching us play he said "this is literally the stupidest fucking game I've ever seen."

( bgaklbakaba;l I am one of like five people who has played this game )

Okay I'm done. In other exciting news, I went to see Inglourious Basterds with Jenna, Riley (who I hadn't seen in like... two years but who remembered one of our retarded Harry Potter jokes, lmao) and Gabe aaand was the fattiest fat fat smoked up with Ben and Gabe--I felt bad for Gabe, he didn't get very high so he just had to listen to Ben and I rambling about how all the secrets of the universe are contained in a Reese's peanut butter cup (and that it's like reading tea leaves in Divination) and... something about the Starship Atlantis. Which is apparently this, lmfao. GOOD TIMES, GOOD TIMES. ♥

Bawww and now summer's almost over. brb sobbing. And by sobbing I mean either continuing my P2 playthrough or writing one of Sarah's birthday fics. (and by that I mean actually nothing.) BYE BBS ♥

I like to take excessive amounts of Zeta Gundam screencaps because I am pretty gross. This is mostly for lecheporfavor's benefit, by the way!

( Camille and Char's awkward sex is my inspiration to be a better person. THERE ARE A LOT OF PICTURES BEHIND THIS CUT AND THEY ARE ALL HUGE LIKE CHAR'S MUSCLES )

In other news, a couple days ago Ben and I smoked up and played Tales of Symphonia, oh my god. I can't even explain. Caramilks are now Jew Hearts and the best food combination is peanut butter and Jews. Also, Kratos wears a fake moustache and glasses when he bangs Lloyd because he is Not Kratos.

In exciting fandom news, I just read through all of Battle Royale in the last few days, oh god why is it the best. I read the first five or so volumes a few years ago and for some reason didn't pick it up again until now! Anyway yeah, Kazuo is ~*my gurl*~ and would be BFFs with Hibari for sure. Which reminds me, I kind of want to get caught up on KHR because I am both icky and gross.

I've actually been working on an old short story and I am glad Gladdler. I also posted a Harry Potter fic today, which is the first thing I've finished in many moons. ;A;

In other literary news, I re-read Oryx and Crake for the second time about a week ago, which I'd say is probably my favourite book of all time (reading the last quarter of the book is just like getting punched in the gut repeatedly) aaaand oh my fucking god Margaret Atwood is coming out with a... sequel? A novel in the same world? Either way, my face for the rest of my life.

So yeah, tomorrow I am going to Sarah's to play some Tales of Vesperia by which I obviously mean Lesbian Titty Beach 2.