I've been struggling a lot lately with whether or not I made the right choice to go back to school. I mean, it should seem obvious, right? Everybody finishes high school; it's just something one does. I'm glad I made the effort to go back, because it meant a lot just knowing that I, at that point, wanted to graduate. It was important to me at the time, and I think I'd be more stuck if I hadn't made that choice. But right now everything is just deeply bogging me down. For most people getting high school over with is really not a big deal, and I wish with all my heart that it could be the same for me, but all of my anxiety is, unfortunately, really hard to push past, as much as I wish it wasn't. The school work isn't difficult for me at all, but with all of the anxiety and depression that I still associate with school, with the fear of failure and complete paralysis I face, it becomes something else entirely.
I don't think I'm a weak person for struggling with this. I don't ever want to think of myself that way. But when I get this mired in all of these issues, I have to re-evaluate my priorities. I don't like to think of myself as a quitter for questioning how important all of this so-called "necessary" stuff really is. Is graduating and going to university really what I want and need out of my life? It's a scary thing to do, to completely discard all the vestiges of a so-called "normal life", and sometimes it's impossible, but (and I realize how ~*rebellious teenager*~ of me this sounds) I have to think very seriously about why exactly I'm pursuing the course of action that I am, and whether or not I still feel like it's what I "have to do" even if, at the end of it all, it's ultimately irrelevant to my dreams.
I realize for people who don't have problems with any of that sort of stuff, I must sound like the laziest, most overdramatic person in the entire world, which... you're quite welcome to think, lmfao. That is a-OK by me. But I will say: it is not about me not wanting to or being incapable of working hard, or being lazy, or weak, or whatever. ~*~*hataz gon hate*~*~*
I'm an unfailing optimist, which everyone who reads my LJ should know by now. Even when I'm having a hard time, I believe in myself. I know, with every fibre of my being, that I need to follow my dreams to the fullest degree, wherever that may take me. I know that I'll be happy no matter the circumstances as long as I'm pursuing the things I love. This most definitely sounds like a lot of overly hopeful bullshit, but I know what I want and need out of my life, and if it leads me down different paths, then so be it. I want to be a writer, I want to travel, I want to create things and see everything I can possibly see.
I've got an amazing family and an amazing group of friends. I know I can do it, even if not via the normal routes. ♥
And I should clarify, I'm not making any decisions just yet. I probably need to get my meds adjusted and we'll see how things go after that, but I just think I need to accept that it could end up that school isn't what's right for me, even just at this period in time.
( and now, just in case you weren't already throwing up all over the place, here are some Disney lyrics. )
I don't think I'm a weak person for struggling with this. I don't ever want to think of myself that way. But when I get this mired in all of these issues, I have to re-evaluate my priorities. I don't like to think of myself as a quitter for questioning how important all of this so-called "necessary" stuff really is. Is graduating and going to university really what I want and need out of my life? It's a scary thing to do, to completely discard all the vestiges of a so-called "normal life", and sometimes it's impossible, but (and I realize how ~*rebellious teenager*~ of me this sounds) I have to think very seriously about why exactly I'm pursuing the course of action that I am, and whether or not I still feel like it's what I "have to do" even if, at the end of it all, it's ultimately irrelevant to my dreams.
I realize for people who don't have problems with any of that sort of stuff, I must sound like the laziest, most overdramatic person in the entire world, which... you're quite welcome to think, lmfao. That is a-OK by me. But I will say: it is not about me not wanting to or being incapable of working hard, or being lazy, or weak, or whatever. ~*~*hataz gon hate*~*~*
I'm an unfailing optimist, which everyone who reads my LJ should know by now. Even when I'm having a hard time, I believe in myself. I know, with every fibre of my being, that I need to follow my dreams to the fullest degree, wherever that may take me. I know that I'll be happy no matter the circumstances as long as I'm pursuing the things I love. This most definitely sounds like a lot of overly hopeful bullshit, but I know what I want and need out of my life, and if it leads me down different paths, then so be it. I want to be a writer, I want to travel, I want to create things and see everything I can possibly see.
I've got an amazing family and an amazing group of friends. I know I can do it, even if not via the normal routes. ♥
And I should clarify, I'm not making any decisions just yet. I probably need to get my meds adjusted and we'll see how things go after that, but I just think I need to accept that it could end up that school isn't what's right for me, even just at this period in time.
( and now, just in case you weren't already throwing up all over the place, here are some Disney lyrics. )
1 | Comment?
